So my mom is alive, and she lives here.
Why didn't you tell me sooner, man?
I had already told you that you died
and that I had tortured you for centuries
and that you're doomed to be tortured again.
I just didn't want to be, like, a bummer.
But now you know everything important about your life.
I promise.
A police officer came to my home and told me that my mom
had been accidentally trampled to death when she bent down
to adjust her toe ring at a Rascal Flatts concert.
That police officer was an actor.
See, about a month before, your mom had gotten drunk,
wandered into a charity auction,
and bid $30,000 for a date with Gene Simmons,
outbidding everyone else by $29,800.
She didn't want to pay, so she faked her death,
moved to Nevada, and reinvented herself as Diana Tremaine.
Diana Tremaine is my fake ID name.
- I... - [gasps]
How dare she steal the identity I stole?
Look, I know this is a lot to take in,
but we're here to help your mom get into the Good Place.
Whatever you're feeling, remember, this is not about you.
Right. [knock at door]
How could you do this to me?
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com
[light music]
Yay, you found me.
What the hell, Mom?
Okay, baby, I can explain everything.
Let's all just take a breath.
You haven't even introduced me
to this stretched-out, sexy Alex Trebek.
I'm Michael. It's nice to meet you, Donna.
Oh, uh, it's Diana now for, you know, police reasons.
By the way, whose McMansion is this?
My boyfriend Dave's.
He's kind of a dork but real sweet and so fancy.
His napkins are made out of, like, shirt material.
Cloth.
Okay, now this is making sense.
You change your name, bag a rich loser with a tacky house.
I get it. You're running a scam.
No, baby, this is as real as the nails
under my acrylic nails.
- I'm a different person. - Spare me.
You will always be sun-baked Arizona trash,
- and I know that... - [door opens]
because I grew up baking right beside you.
Oh, jeez, I didn't know we had company.
- Hey. Hi, I'm Dave. - Michael.
Of course you're Dave.
Hey, Dave, you and I need to have a little conversation.
- Diana! - Oh, hey.
Who the hell is this chick?
This is my little potato pie, Patricia.
And who might you be, by the way?
Eleanor is my sorority sister.
Right. Good old Kappa Zeta... Jones.
- Oh. - [giggles]
I can't believe I have to wait in line to see my own sister.
I have never waited in any kind of formation before,
let alone a line.
Wow. Is this whole room just her work?
Don't be fooled, Chidi. Kamilah is a charlatan.
All she has to do is paint some dumb shapes, and people go mad.
Those aren't dumb shapes. They're a pair of boobs.
And then two extra side boobs.
It symbolizes that boobs come in all shapes and sizes
and distances apart.
Ugh. Maybe we should just go.
There are plenty of other people I could help,
like my good friend Ben Affleck
and his crippling addiction to back tattoos,
or my other good friend Matt Damon
and his crippling addiction to my friend Ben Affleck.
It's important that you make amends.
Your competitive relationship with Kamilah
is largely the reason you didn't get into the Good Place.
It stands to reason that the same would be true for her.
Fine. But the waiting is over.
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
Tahani, were you waiting in line to see me?
That's hilarious.
As a frog stares up in awe at the tree top,
so, too, does humanity gawk
at the purity of a blinding truth.
Napkins and forks are in the back.
So making omelets is art now, is it?
Not that I'd expect you to understand,
but it's a commentary on the world's fascination
with subservience, consumption, death, and pedagogy.
Cheddar or Swiss?
Oh, no, I don't want an omelet.
I just came for a quick sisterly chat.
[bell jingles]
My sister, Tahani, refuses to order an omelet.
[people gasp, shout]
As a result, the exhibit is now over
and will never be shown again.
- There will be no refunds. - [crowd murmuring]
_
[sighs]
_
Hey, now. I just checked my Apple Watch,
and it's marg-o-clock. [laughs]
So, Michael, what do you do?
Ah, well, uh, I'm an architect.
- Get out of here. Me too. - Ah.
Dave's real good.
You should see the new Hooters on I-15.
It looks classy, like a bank.
So how did you two love-rats meet?
Oh, it's a fun story.
I was working on this project tearing down a condemned bar
called the Desert Rash.
I went in to meet with the contractors,
and Diana is sitting at the bar drinking a 7 and 7 and 7.
7 shots of Seagram's 7 in 7 minutes.
It's Diana's morning drink.
Oh, that's right, it was very early in the morning.
- [chuckles] - Well, this little spitfire
finds out it's me
who's closing down the bar.
Next thing I know, she's got a knife to my face.
[laughter]
I would have been scared if she hadn't been
the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen in my life.
Oh. One thing leads to another, and all of a sudden,
we're playing tonsil tennis on a broken toilet
- in the alley out back. - Cute.
So how did you and Eleanor become friends?
Let's just say that we "lived"
in the same "neighborhood."
Oh. [chuckles]
What a fun way to say a normal thing, right?
Well, I've got to go get ready.
Today is PTA elections, and I'm running for secretary.
And she's a shoo-in, too.
Hey, Patty, we got to get ready, okay?
I know we came here to set your mom on a better path,
but I think she's doing pretty great.
Please. She's completely full of it.
I am gonna find out
what kind of scam Donna Shellstrop is running,
and I am gonna take her down...
right after I finish this awesome drink.
Man, Dave's margaritas are amazing.
- Right? - Yeah.
And I'm not even a tequila guy.
Wow.
So this is what a museum looks like.
If you look at this painting closely,
you can really notice the interpretation.
I know you're just being silly
and effortlessly charming,
but you actually just picked the most valuable painting
in the entire museum.
As of last year, that work was valued at $39.2 million.
Oh, snap, I forgot you know everything.
How much is that one worth?
That one is worth $13.7 million.
That one's got a bunch of colors.
That's got to add some value.
Can we do this for all the paintings?
Look, I've had a sort of revelation about the world,
and I'd like to take responsibility
for my part in our fraught history.
For whatever hurt I've caused you...
I sincerely apologize.
Thank you.
I do not accept your apology.
Is that all, then?
[scoffs]
Well... [chuckling angrily]
- Ooh! - [gasps]
_
[groans angrily]
Check out what Dave gave me...
plans for a Subaru dealership/burlesque club
he's designing in Reno.
Man, Nevada's a mess.
What are you doing?
Searching for the tell-tale sign
of a Donna Shellstrop scam...
a pile of cash hidden somewhere
so she can grab it and head out on the run.
When the time comes, she will rip this guy off
and disappear like Keyser Soze,
right after he admitted to groping all those people.
Why are you in my room?
Oh, hey, girl. What's up?
How old are you... three?
- I'm nine. - Cool.
I don't know anything about kids.
Hey, has Diana ever made you hide, like, a special treasure
in any of your toys?
No, Diana's very nice to me.
She bought me most of these stuffed animals.
[gasps] Oh, wow. Neat.
Mind if I give them just a little surgery just to check?
Okay, okay, okay, all right, Doc McStuffins,
let's get you some fresh air.
So sorry.
She's a kid. You can't disembowel her toys.
Fine. New plan.
You casually mention that you're rich and seduce Donna.
When she goes for you,
it will prove that this whole thing is a sham.
First things first, do you have a penis?
I will not seduce Donna.
For one thing, I could never do that to my pal, Dave.
It goes against the architect's code.
Also, your mother seems happy here.
The Donna I know
wouldn't be caught dead in this suburban boredom factory.
She's scamming them.
Look, believe me, don't believe me...
I don't care. I'm gonna prove it.
Young lady, you will stop this nonsense.
Go to the PTA meeting and support your mother.
I won't hear another word about it.
What the hell was that?
Well, I was going
for the "stern but, you know, caring dad" vibe.
No? Didn't work?
No, not even close... like, not in the ballpark.
I was trying something, Eleanor. Give me a break.
Until Kamilah accepts my apology
this open wound will hinder any progress she might make
toward getting into the Good Place.
Also, I'm going to strangle her,
which will hinder any air from getting into her lungs.
- Can I talk to her? - [sighs]
Maybe we should try a little third-party mediation.
[indistinct chatter]
Uh, hi.
I'm Tahani's friend, Chidi.
Chidi is an Igbo word that means "God exists."
That's right
Sorry, I don't know the etymology of your name, but...
All of your fears are now mine.
[mystical music]
- What did she say? - What?
I don't know. Sorry.
I got distracted. She's amazing.
All of my fears are hers now.
Of course they are.
Um...
I sincerely apologize to you
because I have matured into a fully formed adult
with empathy and self-awareness.
But if you don't accept my apology,
I will smash your stupid art exhibit into bits.
More Tahani theatrics with zero follow-through?
You don't have it in you to do anything that bold,
because I'm the one who got the boldness gene
and the good-eyebrow gene.
[gasps, shouts]
Oh! Oh, no. All my fears are mine again.
Hey, Davey, can you believe the design of this room?
Auditorium? More like Audi-bore-me-um.
[laughter]
Savage.
Hello, I'm Diana Tremaine.
I never thought I'd run for PTA board.
For most of my life, I preferred to crawl...
pub crawl.
[laughter]
But now I want to make sure kids in this
decommissioned-military- bombing-test-site-
turned-suburban-township
get the best education Nevada has to offer.
[scoffs] What's that... always double down on 11?
Also, there is a pretty great kid who goes to this school,
and I want to make this place great for her.
- Stand up, sweetheart. - [applause]
Well, it was the first Hooters ever made out of brick,
sort of inspired by Monticello.
- Hey, mark. - Oh, no, it's Dave.
Oh, I know your name. I'm calling you a mark.
Easy.
I got news for you, dad-bod.
The woman you know as Diana Tremaine is really
Donna Shellstrop, my much older mother.
She faked her death and changed her name.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but that's the deal.
I already knew all that, Eleanor.
Your mother told me everything the first night we met.
The first night?
Well, no, not the first night, actually.
That was mostly sex. [chuckles]
Your mother is a very confident and selfish lover.
- Yikes. - No, no, no, it's perfect for me
'cause I don't know what I want.
But anyway, the next morning she told me everything.
And we're gonna tell Patricia once she's a little bit older.
For now, everything is going great.
No, dude, you don't know my mom.
She used to put, like, 50 things in a shopping cart,
then go to the "12 items or less" aisle,
scream "rat," and run out the door without paying.
She is a liar.
Well, listen, she has been nothing but honest with me.
And I like that she's got a wild streak.
It kind of gets my motor running.
Tell you the truth...
she's turning me into a bit of a bad boy.
I mean, who am I... Avril Lavigne?
[men laugh]
[mysterious music]
Oh, I get it.
Coming clean was all part of the scam.
It's brilliant because he thinks she's honest.
So, when she runs off with all his money,
he'll never see it coming.
Come on, Eleanor.
I changed, you changed, maybe she changed, too.
No, no way.
Why can't you accept that she might be living
a good, honest life?
That she's an attentive partner and a good mom?
Because I wanted that mom.
I wanted the mom who made me afternoon snacks
instead of just telling me to look for loose fries
in the McDonald's ball pit.
Why does Patricia get that mom?
If Donna Shellstrop has truly changed,
then that means she was always capable of change,
but I just wasn't worth changing for.
I know as your self-appointed father figure,
I'm supposed to say something comforting here,
but I'm... I'm kind of stumped.
Okay, final tally...
43 votes for Diana Tremaine,
12 votes for Eileen Capshaw,
and one vote for Bofa Deeznutz.
God, don't look at me like that.
You're not my real dad.
Congratulations, Madam Secretary.
It's so crazy, right?
I'm gonna need to get a calculator
and maybe a globe.
I don't really understand the job.
Listen, um, I'm sorry
that I didn't think this whole thing was real.
I just never thought I'd see the day
when you made a commitment to...
anything.
I was wrong.
Thank you, baby. That means a lot.
- Let me help you. - No, no, no, not that one!
Not that one! No, sorry, sorry.
This powder is only for my delicates.
You don't wash your bras.
No. No.
[gasps] I knew it.
My mother is a con artist.
Got ya.
So, before I'm tortured in the afterlife,
I get to spend the rest of this life
in a Hungarian prison for destruction of art.
That's fun.
Destruction of extremely derivative art.
Kamilah's work has been mediocre for years.
Mother and Father are probably rolling over
in their cryogenic chambers.
Really? You don't think they would be proud of her
for having a whole museum wing dedicated to her work?
My parents' standards were incredibly high,
and they were impossible to please.
Plus, they always pitted
my sister and me against each other.
The two of them were a unit,
and Kamilah and I...
[epiphanic music]
♪ ♪
Girls, we have a new challenge for you.
Each of you has four hours to complete a rendering
of your favorite moment in French military history.
The winning painting shall be hung in our foyer
during our party honoring Francois Mitterrand.
The losing painting shall provide the kindling
for the fire that rages in our hearth
during that party.
[laughs] Doesn't that sound wonderful?
Yes, Mother, it does.
Thank you for this opportunity.
Who will be the winning artist,
and who will fail?
Let's find out.
[serious music]
♪ ♪
These paintings...
they're us.
You're the boobs?
Sorry. Once Jason said it, that's all I can see.
♪ ♪
Here we go.
What?
Tahani, what are you doing? Stop it.
No. I'm going to hug you because I love you
and because you feel just as alone as I do.
I'm sorry our parents were such wankers.
And I understand that you can't accept my apology
because that would quench your creative thirst.
They forced us to compete,
and that competition has fueled your art for decades.
It's so awful, and I'm so sorry.
♪ ♪
[sighs]
[sighs] They were wankers, weren't they?
Ah! The absolute biggest wankers on Earth.
♪ ♪
Let them go, please.
_
Diana Tremaine, you little devil.
New name, same game.
Fine. Things have been going good with me and Dave,
but sometimes I sneak a little bit of cash out of his wallet,
and I hide it away, just in case everything blows up
and I need to skip town.
Are you happy?
Actually, no, I'm not happy,
but I think you are.
You're holding on to this exit strategy,
telling yourself that you can bail at any time,
but the truth is...
you love this suburban life.
I don't love it so much.
I am not basic. Ya basic.
No, Mom.
Ya basic.
And that's okay.
Let me ask you something.
Why are you wearing yoga pants?
Well, on Tuesday nights, I do restorative yoga
with a bunch of moms from Patty's school.
And what do you do after yoga?
We split avocado egg rolls at the Cheesecake Factory,
but we also drink.
- What do you drink? - Chardonnay...
- with ice cubes. - [sighs]
And after one glass, I get sleepy,
so I usually switch to water so I can drive home...
like a nerd!
Hey, hey...
[chuckles] It's okay.
It's good. You're happy here.
But you need to commit to this...
which means getting rid of that stash of escape money.
And I think you know what you have to do with it.
Send it to Gene Simmons?
What? No.
Spend it on Patricia.
Set up a college fund, buy her a crib...
or a car.
I truly don't know anything about kids,
but this is your chance to break the chain
of Shellstrop mother-daughter crappiness.
You have a do-over.
Use it.
Oh, baby.
It seems like you've turned into a really good person,
and you clearly didn't get that from me,
so props to whoever helped you.
Is there more cash in your bra?
Always. It's why I don't wash them.
I still can't believe that police officer pulled you over
just to tell you that you were driving perfectly.
Why not? I was.
There is an article in the paper
about Kamilah's latest art installation.
And look...
"A Fractured Inheritance"
by Kamilah Al-Jamil and Tahani Al-Jamil.
Gosh, that was very big of her...
though she really should have named the piece
"Buried Hatchet," don't you think?
Such a better title.
I'm going to call her and rub it in.
Maybe don't... for now.
Yes. Smart.
- Good luck, buddy. - [chuckles]
Oh, hey, I almost forgot.
I sketched you up a little something...
some ideas there for your project.
- Wow. - [chuckles]
Well, this is more than a few ideas.
You solved the whole thing... columns and porticos.
Uh-oh.
[laughing] Looks like you forgot to include bathrooms.
Oops. Ah, just a little oversight.
I certainly use the bathroom like anybody else.
I love to sit on the... the thing
and just, you know, shoot one out.
Eleanor, I'll be in the car.
It was really nice to meet you, Patricia.
Got a lot of people who care about you here.
And good luck with the...
- SATs. - I'm nine.
Whatever, good luck in school.
You get it.
The others are on their way back from Budapest.
We'll be picking them up in a few hours.
Oh, be happy.
Your mom found a better path all on her own,
and you definitely helped Patricia.
Double happy ending.
I know. I'm just... I'm a little sad.
I'm glad my mom has changed,
but that doesn't fix all the damage she did to me.
Let's face it... she's the reason
I could never get close to anyone.
I never even told a boyfriend I love him.
Oh, crap. Um...
you remember how I told you that you knew
everything important about your life?
Well, I-I wasn't thinking about your afterlife life.
In one of the reboots, you and Chidi fell in love...
deeply, and you told him that you loved him,
and he told you that he loved you back.
We did what, now?
You want to listen to a podcast maybe?
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com